Constructive Communication

Communicating problems with my husband was really difficult. And this went both ways. We both got defensive and hurt when the other explained an issue we had with the other, especially when it came to sex, but I’ll discuss that in a subsequent blog. 

One day, we were discussing this problem–not being able to talk about problems–and we came up with a solution. Let me back up. I am a former teacher. I taught 7th grade students in the midst of their hormonal angst. They, like my husband and I, were learning to communicate their feelings in a way that didn’t hurt feelings and didn’t end in a fight. When I was in college, a professor had us share the best and worst things that happened to us that week. I brought that to my middle school students, and it helped them communicate and bond with their classmates. This is what I wanted to bring to my relationship with my husband: communication and connection. To help us communicate our problems, we needed to balance the bad with the good. No one wants to hear only negative feedback (another take away from teaching). Like the best and worst exercise from my classroom, I suggested we balance the bad with the good. Thus Grievances and Appreciations was born.

Grievances and Appreciates (G&As) are a weekly ritual where we each tell the other person one thing the other person did that bothered us or something they frequently do that bothers us and one thing they did that we appreciate. These things range from minor annoyances to major issues and small acts of kindness to heart-stopping gestures of love. The point is constructive communication. By discussing these things, this opens the door of not only communication but understanding. The point is not to fix the other person (though this does often fix problems) but to help the other person know what you are struggling with. This also helps your spouse know that you see him or her. He or she is not invisible and neither are you.

Grievances

Each week, we come up with one grievance we had with the other. Only one. This allows us to focus on fixing one thing for the other person. If you list out all the things that bother you, the other person has too much to change and their feelings will likely get hurt. 

Our grievances started out lightly with things the other person had been doing that were just annoying. “When you get up before me, you wake me up when you put shoes on while sitting on the bed, shaking it,” “You leave coffee cups around the house,” “You don’t rinse dishes when you put them in the sink.” Often, these were things I didn’t realize and became easy fixes. Usually, though, I nodded because I knew that I did whatever it was. It just took my husband pointing out that it bothered him for me to fix it. The coffee cups were me. I left them out all over the house. And I knew it. When he told me, I said, “Yeah. My bad. I’ll fix it.” And I did…for a while. I still forget periodically, but I do try to make the effort to put them away. And the effort does count. Are you going to fix those quirks immediately? Probably not. However, if your partner knows that you are trying, it will count for a lot.

Periodically the grievances were really heavy, deep-rooted issues. “You are too passive aggressive when you ask me to do something,” “You get upset by the phrasing of questions,” “You have a hard time taking advice.” These are the things that would usually start a huge fight, things that are major issues in the relationship.

The most important part of grievances–and the hardest–is you can’t be defensive. You may not explain or justify. You can only listen. You can ask for clarification. That’s it. This is hard. If the other person says something you think is unfair, you need to think about their perception of what is going on. It is obviously different than yours. You need to think about why. 

An important part of a healthy relationship is being reflective. If you are constantly trying to be right, you lose. Take the ego out of grievances and just hear your partner. Really hear him or her. This should not start an argument. If you disagree or are hurt, just say, “Okay,” or “Noted.” Then after you finish G&A, think about why your partner thinks this. How can you adjust their perception through your actions? Trying to justify verbally will likely only start a fight. 

A difficult grievance for me was when my husband told me, “When you tell me you don’t like something I wear, I never wear it again. When I tell you I don’t like it, you say, ‘Well, it’s comfortable.’” At first, I wanted to argue with him that my comfort should be more important than if he likes it or not. I wanted to tell him that I care about what he thinks, but I’m not going to get rid of the ugly bra he hates because it was comfortable. 

I didn’t.  We had a conversation about how I could keep my comfortable clothing but still wear things he likes. He started buying me clothes he wants me to wear, especially on date nights. I am slowly phasing out the clothing he hates and buying clothing that is still comfortable but he thinks I look good in. This exercise is about moving forward and fixing the problems together. 

Appreciations

After giving one grievance, we give one appreciation, something the other person did that week that we noticed and were thankful for. We began with the bad and then softened the blow with the good. This started with small acts of kindness, “You get me water without me asking for it,” “You greet me when I come home,” “You give me a break when you get home.”  It doesn’t have to be anything groundbreaking. Sometimes we just need to hear that we did something right; we need to hear that what we do matters.

Again, periodically, the appreciations are deep, meaningful things that keep the relationship strong, “You sense when I need a break from the baby and jump in,” “You try really hard with my parents,” “You took care of me when I was anxious.” For us, these were major things, emotional things. Hearing that my husband appreciated me comforting him when he was anxious was important. It makes me more aware of when he is struggling, and I want to help him through it. 

Doing the Work

Any dog trainer will tell you that positive reinforcement is the strongest training tool. I’m not saying that you are training your partner to be obedient like a dog, but you are training him or her to be a good partner. And they are training you. No shame in admitting that you are a work in progress. We all are. That is being human. If no one told you that a relationship takes work to work, you were done a disservice. For us, G&As are bulk of the work. The whole thing takes maybe 10 minutes unless you get into a long conversation (not argument!) about the grievances. We do ours on Sundays. My husband has an alarm on his phone to remind us to do it. We do it every Sunday, even if we are happy with each other and are having a hard time thinking of things. That is a good thing. If you really can’t think of anything you have an issue with, revisit old grievances. Is anything still bothering you? 

Sometimes we both have a hard time thinking of grievances. On these days, we’ll revisit old G&As and reflect on how we are doing. It is both a self-reflection and a reflection by your partner. I still stink at putting away my coffee mugs, but revisiting the G&As reminded me that I need to do that. We do not go through the whole list. Just a few. Sometimes it’s, “You don’t do that anymore. Thank you.” Others it’s, “You still do this.” A reminder to be better isn’t hateful, and it shouldn’t be discouraging. Also, it’s helpful to know when you have succeeded in making your partner happier, and that’s the goal, isn’t it? If your partner is happy, he or she will want you to be happy and will work to make that happen.

Another thing to note: try to avoid giving grievances the rest of the week unless something major comes up. If it is still bothering you, it was important enough to talk about. If you forgot about it, then it probably wasn’t that bad. 

Sex

I didn’t include examples of G&As about sex. We do them, but rarely and usually in the appreciation category. I will go into sex after babies in the next post. I would avoid doing sex in G&As until you have touched on several non-sex-related deep issues and have managed to avoid arguments. Learning to listen and not retort is important when hearing issues about a touchy subject like sex. 

Summary

That’s it. One grievance and one appreciation per person each week. 10 minutes. Keep track somewhere, whether it is on a document or spreadsheet. (This allows you to go back later and reflect.) No getting defensive. Avoid talking about sex in the G&As until you get the hang of it, and even then try to appreciate more than grieve. 

Good luck!