Back in the Saddle

Let’s Talk Sex

For many, talking about sex and the issues women have after having a baby is awkward and uncomfortable. For me, talking about sex comes fairly naturally. I don’t take it too seriously because let’s face it: sex is weird. This one is for those of you who think you are alone in having sexual issues after having a baby.

I find that most women fall into two categories when it comes to sex after having a baby: those that are excited and want to cut the 6-week hiatus short and those who are terrified. I fell into the latter category. I had a fairly traumatic delivery. I pushed for 4 hours and had to have an episiotomy.  My bits were all kinds of hurt. 

Ring of Fire

After the 6-weeks were over, when we finally decided to take the plunge, let me just say, OUCH. We just couldn’t. Not at all. I hurt so bad, we couldn’t even start. It was disappointing for me, but it was heartbreaking for my husband. We hadn’t been intimate since probably my 6th or 7th month of pregnancy, as he felt awkward and I was just not interested. He had waited that 6 weeks so patiently, and to be shut down before we were even able to take off was hard. 

If I’m totally honest, I really wasn’t interested at that point, so I was fine with waiting until I healed a bit more. However, it didn’t get any better. I talked to my OB, and he said physically, I was fine. The episiotomy had healed fine. Everything was back to normal. We tried around once a week, and each time, it was too painful to even begin. Initially I was able to just say, “Oh, well,” because I was breastfeeding an infant, I had started working again, and I was exhausted. Sex just wasn’t a priority for me.  I knew it bothered my husband, but secretly, I was glad to have an excuse. 

Things Get Weird

Six months postpartum, nothing had changed. While I still didn’t have the desire, I felt bad that my husband had gone MONTHS without getting some. Poor guy. He was patient. He was understanding. He was lonely. 

My doctor had mentioned pelvic floor physical therapy early after my son was born. He had a physical therapist on staff, but she only worked Mondays in the morning, and I was a teacher. What was I supposed to tell my boss? I need to take mornings off for a few months so that I can get vagina therapy? Not likely.

I looked around and found another pelvic floor physical therapist in the area. The first appointment, I had no idea what to expect. She asked me a bunch of personal questions, including where it hurt, what it felt like, and how far my husband was able to go. Thank goodness I have no problem talking about sex, huh? Then came the awkward part. 

“Okay. Undress from the waist down and lay on the table. I’ll be right back,” she said. So I did. After having a baby, this was pretty routine at this point. What came next, not so much.

She began to massage my stomach, pushing on the loose skin on my abdomen. Okay. Weird, but not so bad. Then she moved to my inner thighs. Weirder. Finally, she moved to my lady bits. She was very professional, telling me what she was doing and what to expect. She stuck in a finger and began slowly poking around inside me, asking my pain level at various spots in order to try to find where it hurt. Once she figured out my problem areas, she began to systematically move her finger, first holding it on a muscle inside me so that it was just on the edge of painful for about 30 seconds, then moving it to the next spot. Super weird. 

There was nothing sexy about it. She was very professional, and we just talked about other things while she was down there. However, there was a woman poking at my vagina. As a straight woman, it was weird. That being said, it would have been weird if I had had a male physical therapist, too. 

When she finished, we talked about my treatment. I met with her 2-3 times a week for a few weeks, then once a week for a couple months. I think the whole treatment took around 3 months. And it worked. Sex went from a no-go ring of fire to just painful to painless. 

Back in the Saddle

My physical therapist told me the reason I had hurt so bad even though I was healed was that my delivery had traumatized the muscles of my vagina. It was like my body was fighting against any further trauma. She (my vagina) was like, “No thanks. I’m good. Access denied.” The muscles were rebelling against my husband’s invasion, and that was why it hurt. The physical therapy taught my muscles that pressure wasn’t a bad thing, wasn’t a damaging thing. 

I have read so many comments on various mom’s groups on Facebook about just working through it, assurances that it will get better. Sex should not be painful. If you just grit your teeth through it, it will teach your body that sex hurts. Your mind will associate sex with pain. I already have issues finding desire, but when it hurt, that made me even less interested. Getting physical therapy helped me and my body associate sex with pleasure, making me more open to it. 

My next post will deal more with desire and communication when it comes to sex after having a baby, but before you can deal with wanting sex, you need to deal with the physical issues you may have. Talk to your doctor if it is painful, especially early on. Good luck!