Talking About Sex
Let’s face it. There is nothing less sexy than talking about sex. Unfortunately, being able to talk about sex is ESSENTIAL to having a healthy sex life. After having our son, my husband and I stopped talking about sex. I was preoccupied with the baby, and my husband was put on the backburner. I just felt that I had more important and pressing things to worry about than sex. Being a dairy cow to my son didn’t make me feel sexy, and to be honest, my libido has never been that active. I did have some physical issues with sex as well (I talk about this in the previous post), but I wasn’t motivated to really fix them initally. This is one of the reasons I waited so long to get help.
Meanwhile, my husband was struggling. He wasn’t just horny. He was lonely. In his eyes, when I wasn’t interested in sex, he felt I was rejecting him, rejecting his love. It didn’t help that he hates talking about sex. He thinks sex should be spontaneous. To make matters worse, I haven’t always reacted well when he has tried to talk about it in the past. I get sensitive and feel guilty that I am not satisfying him as his wife.
About 3 or 4 months after my son was born, I felt the strain in our marriage and I got my husband a game that focuses on communication in marriage. This was the catalyst to us finally having a long talk about how lonely he was. At first, I was resentful that I was getting stretched even thinner (I had just returned to working full time at this point). Then, I stopped just hearing him, and I heard him. This was not just him complaining that he wasn’t getting any. This was him telling me he was hurting.
But I Don’t Wanna
After I realized my husband had an emotional need for intimacy, I was faced with the simple fact that I didn’t want to. My libido was basically nonexistent. Part of that was breastfeeding, part was due to physical issues, part was preoccupation with a certain tiny human, and part was just me generally not having a very active sex drive. So I was faced with a few options: let him suffer, go through the motions when absolutely necessary, or learn to find ways to get myself into it. Because I love my husband and I love myself, I chose the last option.
Men are turned on with their eyes. This is one of the reasons porn and strip clubs are so popular. Women are turned on with their brains. Most (not all) women are not going to be turned on just by seeing something sexual. My solution: the romance novel. I’m talking super trashy, explicit, dirty filth. There is a reason 50 Shades of Gray was so popular with women. My husband loved when I read that series because he got more action in the month that I read that series than he had in months.
If reading about explicit sex sounds uncomfortable, start slow with normal romance novels. Susan Elizabeth Phillips is a good starter romance novelist because she writes about romance but doesn’t get too detailed with the deed. Her plot lines are pretty good, as well. Trashy romance novels tend to be like porn: the sex scenes are great, but the plot is a bit trite. This is not what I read when I want to curl up with a good book. This is what I read the hour or two before I want to get it on with my husband, when my head says it’s time, but my body isn’t feeling it.
Once you feel more comfortable with the explicit stuff, I like the sex scenes of Maya Banks’ novels. The prose itself isn’t great, and neither are the plot lines, but again, that is not why I read these types of novels.
Experimenting
Something my husband and I tried in order to keep it interesting is sharing “homework”. I shared scenes from my novels that I wanted him to enact, and he sent me porn scenes that he wanted me to try. My husband isn’t much of a reader, so I just told him what happened in the scenes. After we shared, it was up to the other person to make it work in their own time. My husband shared his scene, and I watched it. I didn’t act it out exactly, but I took pieces of it. And it worked for him. He saw that I was trying, and that was really all he wanted. He wanted to see me put in an effort to make him happy.
Likewise, my husband didn’t try to recreate the scene I shared. He took the spirit of the scene and made it his own. He took what he was comfortable with and added his own flavor. The more effort he put into it, the more appreciative I was, and the more interested in sex I became. My husband didn’t really love hearing constructive criticism when it came to sex, but me telling him what I wanted him to do and what I liked allowed me to get what I want without hurting his ego.
We only talk about sex AFTER we have had sex. We analyze what worked and what didn’t. This sounds incredibly unsexy, and it is. However, there is no better time. You aren’t trying to get in the mood and the experience is still fresh in your mind. Try not to dwell on all the things you’d like to fix. Issues with sex are a huge ego blow, especially to more macho men. Make sure you tell your partner what you liked, so that he’ll (or she’ll) do it again.
Major Takeaways
- Understand that your partner NEEDS sex. It isn’t selfish. It’s part of staying connected, emotionally as well as physically.
- Get yourself in the mood with raunchy romance novels.
- Give each other homework.
- Communicate the good and the bad AFTER doing the deed.
Good luck!
Marriage After Mommy 